Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
