he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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