my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
