I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
why does every cop we meet know your name?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
