My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
