I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
