It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
