A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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