Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize