Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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