So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
