I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
