there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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