I faked an abortion last night.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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