she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
