Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
