It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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