I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
