I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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