neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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