my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
