Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
