I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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