I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
