this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
