Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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