Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This beer is not sobering me up at all
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
