I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
