My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
