The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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