Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
