Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
