When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
