Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
