i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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