You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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