FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
