I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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