I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize