I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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