Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
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I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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