yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
