I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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