Got a toothbrush?
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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