my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize