gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
