everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We need a shit load of segways right now
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
