our cab driver is having phone sex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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