Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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