I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
