Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
