I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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