every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
