Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
