and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
