Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
