One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
