I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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