At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You can't motorboat a personality
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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