it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
